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Question: Critique this poem I wrote please!.!?
The blue night surrounds me
So its easier to pretend
to live in sweet madness
and a dizzying sadness!.
Her memories still covers
like the jacket I wear
but alone here tonight
the blue night chills me!.
Please let me be empty
so my thoughts are blank
then I'll be weightless
and find peace tonight!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The blue night surrounds me
So its easier to pretend
to live in sweet madness
and dizzying sadness!. << i dont really think you need "a"
Her memories still cover
like the jacket I wear
but alone here tonight
the blue night chills me!. << mm, suggested rewrite to!.!.
but alone here tonight
blue night and chilled air
Please let me be empty
so my thoughts are blank
then I'll be weightless
and find peace tonight!. << i love this stanza, it ends beautifully, all in all i think this poem is lovely
you can obviously bag my suggestions since its really just my humble opinion
but again, keep penning :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's very sweet and quite original,quite atmospheric!. I like it!.
A small suggestion: I would change the first line in the second stanza to read: "Her memory still covers me
or " Her memories still cover me"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's pretty good, room for improvement (maybe word choice!?), but good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
use some synonyms!.!.
but its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Bravo! one of the best I've read today!
Thank you for that!
Peace!.
---------DuaneWww@QuestionHome@Com
its dumb u need a lifeWww@QuestionHome@Com