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Question: What are your comments /suggestions on this verse!?
Falling Through The Cracks
There are some people that this world will crush,
They seem to feel, to hope, to dream too much!.
The world must seem a cold and lonely place
To those who try yet can not find a space!.
They seem to simply fall between the cracks,
And suffer from the things that this world lacks!.
They are the ghosts within our world today,
We see their outstretched hands yet look away!.
Afraid perhaps that we too will be lost,
We calculate that they aren't worth the cost!.
And yet these people simply need a hand,
Encouragement!.!.a way to learn to stand!.
What better reason can we hope to find!.!.
Than helping someone lost find peace of mind!.
What better treasure when our day is through,
Than knowing we helped others make it too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Darlin, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but even though I really enjoy what it is saying, it was a tad difficult to read!. As sarge used to say, "spit shine it a bit more"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I am not going to say anything about the form because you are better at this than I am!.
I will comment on the feelings you invoke!. I started wondering to myself, am I doing what I can for those who need a hand!?
Am I giving encouragement to anyone--have I today!?
Have I told someone their dream is worth hearing--listening to!?
I have some homework to do because you have taught a good lesson here!
I like the content so much, I don't see the form--good write!Www@QuestionHome@Com
To be honest, this is not the best I have seen from you!.
It is too heavy!.
Like it is uncomfortable and cumbersome for you to carry!.
I do not know how you can make it better, and I hate to be negative but I simply do not like it even thought the sentiments are great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
a great message!. me likes the line:
Afraid perhaps that we too will be lost!.
because it may inspire others for writing a contra-verse, where you come to help, you may get sued, or if for some reason you couldn't fulfill an expectation, you'd be accused of dishonesty!.!. and stuff like that!.
Besides that, ditto ms!. sydney!. t!.y!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
From one fellow writer to another, that's beautiful! Just a few suggestions:
1 - Try breaking it up into smaller verses (every four lines is the standard)!.
2 - 3rd line - I would change 'yet' to but' - It seems to flow better!.
Other than that, it's perfect!. 2nd line gave me the chills!. Nice job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
"Who is my neighbor!?"
Who needs a neighbor in this world!? Everyone, I think!. I know I do!.
Wonderful thoughts!. Thanks!. I love the supportiveness you suggest in this!.
I'm not very technical about poetry!. I like the thoughts that are so well expressed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like the message!. The text itself seems heavy, the rhyme forced!. There are also a number of weak fillers: that, and yet (redundant), and weak rhymes -- too, through!. Don't worry, we can't win them all!. (I trash 3 out of 4 of everything I write)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its really good as a song!.!.!.!.!.!.but,,,,,,i think that that need to be a little shorter to be a verse maybe it could be a verse, chorus and another verse!.!.!.!.!.!.!.that just being me!.!.!.!.!.!.Good lyrics though =DWww@QuestionHome@Com
'And suffer from the things that this world lacks!.'
That's one way of looking at it, or, it is not what it lacks, but what it has, ruthless, exploiting, sadistic, dishonest people!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
the only, as in single, thing I found disrupting was your excessive use of the word "that"!.
Each line where the word "that" is used would stand quite well without "that" being included!.
Mighty fine verseWww@QuestionHome@Com
And in the next few years there will be more falling through, each day I meet people deciding what to do; eat, get medicine or pay the rent!.
Your last two lines say it all for me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This should be read to Congress and become part of the Congressional record!.
I charge the Church to find these people and put into to deeds what they say in word!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
A worthy topic to be sure, in these overwhelming times especially,
and I do believe a few good suggestions have already been given!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I find it a bit `flabby` for my taste, the sentiments are admirable, and the numbers qualifying will grow hour by hour in present times!. Even me! :-)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I cannot look away!. Never have been able!. Someone brought them into this world and loved them!. Everyone matters!. This is good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
We need to think about these people, your poem reminds us!. You have comments on revisions, I don't have any!. This is a thoughtful poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
likes the sad ones!.!.!. watching them suffer!.!.!. makes us feel better!.!.!. thanks for sharing!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It seems this theme - is being repeated over and over - these days!. To help others - with a hand up!. For those who need a reason for living - you have one now ?Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's nice - I thought it was going to be a cynical poem at first, but it's more hopeful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wonderful write!.
I can't imagine anyone falling through the cracks if they knew you!.
maWww@QuestionHome@Com
Superb write!.!.!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
very nice ! no need to change a thing in my eyesWww@QuestionHome@Com
i loved this poem i think that it's awesomeWww@QuestionHome@Com
I really like the poem and can relate, just feel like the lines could be chopped or broken up
Example:
There are some people this world will crush,
They seem to hope, to dream too much!.
The world, a cold and lonely place
To those who cannot find a space!.
They seem to fall between the cracks,
And suffer things that this world lacks!.
They are the ghosts in our world today,
With outstretched hands, we look away!.
Afraid perhaps, we too will be lost,
We calculate they aren't worth the cost!.
These people simply need a hand,
Encouragement!.!.a way to stand!.
What better reason can we hope to find!.!.
Than helping someone find peace of mind!.
What better treasure when days are through,
Than knowing we helped make others tooWww@QuestionHome@Com