A Holocaust poem I wrote?

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Question:

I redrafted and (hopefully) improved!. What do you think!?

This impotent rage consumes me now
I won’t try and understand the logic
This happened and I don’t know how
The villain was allowed to profit
From the atrocities he introduced
The pain he caused those blameless souls
For the methods that were widely used
Their bodies dumped in putrid holes
Their deaths a rough and changing number
What peace can come to those that died!?
Are they placed in a blissful slumber!?
Where do their tortured thoughts reside!?
His struggle is well documented
My heart bleeds for the all the strife he felt
His woes are now be me lamented
His unsoiled hands that never dealt
With the faces of those burning souls
Their terror planned behind closed doors
With the executers playing his roles
Their puppet strings that aided wars
Their slaughter, did they have a choice!?
A birthright an unconscious sin
A collective with a silenced voice
HIS soul was rotten from within
It can’t escape like he did us
Unlike his unspoiled, spotless hands
My vengeful heart would like to trust
In some ungodly reprimand
A hell to keep his poisoned heart
A thought that breeds sick, twisted mirth
Eternal pain a world apart
From anything we feel on earth
I cry for those that lost their lives
A grief that burns right through my chest
Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives…
Were loved, were lost, were put to rest!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I read your poem and was able to capture many of the various messages you were giving the readers, which is very good, since most poetry is subjective to it's writer!.

You successfully execute details and your true feelings are portrayed - speaking for the souls of the holocaust and the pain they endured!.

If I were to be critical, (and I am not an English authority) I would say it is a bit too long or the writing needs to paragraphed, when there is a change in direction of thoughts - but you were successful in staying in the subject!.

I also get lost right about here

His struggle is well documented
My heart bleeds for the all the strife he felt
His woes are now be me lamented
His unsoiled hands that never dealt
With the faces of those burning souls

I assumed you were speaking for "they" (everyone) and then you started talking about "him"

My dad participated in a research study with Holocaust survivors a few years back (he's an MD) - a hormonal study was done to measure PTSD!. He shared your poetry with one the children of the survivors and he was deeply touched!. You can keep "he" but then should also speak of "she" to let us know that you are not speaking of 1 particular experience esp if you are speaking on behalf of "all the lost souls"

It is definitely "A" material!Www@QuestionHome@Com

that's brilliant!. you should try and get it published, seriously it's fantastic!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I thought it was brilliant!. Great word choice, and you really stress how awful that time was!. Amazing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Good, but I still like Death Fugue better :P (http://mason!.gmu!.edu/~lsmithg/deathfugue!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow!!! great one!.!.!.!.
two thumbs up!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com