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Question: Comments on my poem please - love it or hate it all welcome!.!?
FANTASY
The moment conception secured its place
In the corner of my mind
My heart has longed for your embrace
Beyond my slumber – pined,
Rushing waters, sun kissed skies
Your gentle stare into my eyes
Not knowing how these worlds have crossed
But in your soul - I get lost,
Obsession sometimes rules my thoughts
And fears exposed inside
For if I can not be with you
Then what’s the point of life!?
I search for you at every moment
When life takes a break
Adoring – perfection of your flesh
Your loss – I could not take!
If only you knew how I feel
Our worlds might join as one
But in the darkness I shall sit
Waiting on the sun,
And even light can not reveal
What you mean to me
For in the corner of my mind
You’re just my – Fantasy!.
WRITTEN BY
ASHLEIGH TAYLOR
SILVERCHICK……
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first two verses feel well crafted and they read beautifully!. The third, too is fine!.!.!.but, something goes wrong in the fourth verse, line 'When life takes a break' - it sounds too slangy and the meter is wrong!. Any hope of a re-write there!? The remainder gets on track again!.
Well written, congratulations!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You are fantasizing about your perfect lover, are you not!?
As such it's pretty good, but I agree that it wants a bit of polishing - check your grammar and cut out those slangy bits and cliches!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Absolute splendor!. I have no critique, except to say add your (c) copyright mark to your work!.
Thank you for this beauty!.
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow you have a good poem!. It is nice to put your imagination and your true feeling on it!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Awesome! Www@QuestionHome@Com
nicely written,the epitome of hopeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Its a superb poem!.I just loved it!.Its been long since i read a cute poem like this!.Its too emotional!.Its fully my timeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry im really really bad at english lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!.!.!.!.!.!. its!.!.!. amazing!!!! A++Www@QuestionHome@Com