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Question:The sun beats, and I feel the melted gum
sticking the ground to my shoe as I walk.
"It was yellow!" exclaims the faceless bum.
His face, I replace with his crazy talk.
Was it? I wonder as I walk away.

Though gum might not prompt most to question this:
I, for one, would like to know who threw it.
Whence from, does find the gum it's mouth remiss?
To care not for it, but just to chew it?
It's wrong. It makes no sense to think that way.

It's a sticky choice, and a tacky mess
To scrape away, or let the gum just fade?
For past harms I can find it no redress,
nor cancel debts for which I wasn't paid.
Odds are, the gum does not care, anyway.

Foolish. To care when it does not complain!
Off it goes, scraped against some likely rocks.
It passes from my thoughts but will remain
a random, dark smudge that this poem mocks.
Many things in life seem to end that way

This is a repost. I've changed a things and I am looking for some constructive feedback on what to work on.


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: The sun beats, and I feel the melted gum
sticking the ground to my shoe as I walk.
"It was yellow!" exclaims the faceless bum.
His face, I replace with his crazy talk.
Was it? I wonder as I walk away.

Though gum might not prompt most to question this:
I, for one, would like to know who threw it.
Whence from, does find the gum it's mouth remiss?
To care not for it, but just to chew it?
It's wrong. It makes no sense to think that way.

It's a sticky choice, and a tacky mess
To scrape away, or let the gum just fade?
For past harms I can find it no redress,
nor cancel debts for which I wasn't paid.
Odds are, the gum does not care, anyway.

Foolish. To care when it does not complain!
Off it goes, scraped against some likely rocks.
It passes from my thoughts but will remain
a random, dark smudge that this poem mocks.
Many things in life seem to end that way

This is a repost. I've changed a things and I am looking for some constructive feedback on what to work on.

1. I'd change line 3 cos how can you replace a face from a faceless entity (although I think most readers will know what you mean)? But if you decide to leave in the faceless/replace-face thing I'd still consider cutting "exclaims" as it seems a little too stilted to me. Plus IMO "It was yellow" is'nt crazy enough.

For example:

"It was Christ's-eye blue!" spits the nearby bum."

2. No doubt you've thought about rhyming a few syllables in from the start of line 2 of the 2nd and 4th stanza with "ay", the last vowel of the previous repective stanzas, as you've already done in the 3rd stanza.

For example,
Stanza 2:
Though gum might not prompt most to question this,
I must say: I'd like to know who threw it.

Stanza 4:
Foolish. To care when it does not complain!
It comes away, scraped off against some likely rocks.

BTW, I love this poem. You have wonderful talent, reminiscent for me of the style and humour of Keats' The Cap and Bells.

i really like it.
I just think it needs a title though.
Its comical to me. And then at the end, you relate the whole thing to your view on life! thats really good!

WOW! You Are Good. Keep up the good work,I will probably be checking out your books in the Future.

Dude, this is just frigging GROSS. OK so you have some talent, I grant you that, but for GODDDDDD"S sake , please figure something else to inspire you . . . .like a buttefly or something! and quit slobbering all over the internet

To me, a wonderful look at life's little irritants. We are upset at the time, but brush it off and move on. Great images and a nice flow to the words. I liked your little twist in the line: "whence from, etc." Yes odds are the "gum" doesn't care. Well done. The only line I would suggest looking at is the end of line 7 "threw it" as it did not seem to flow as well although it was apparent you needed it for the beat.

Wow. I really like it!

Nice,You Awsome.=)

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