I am hoping that most of you out there have had that one relationship that lingers on intermittently even years after the fact of physical contact has ceased!. ("Hoping", only because I do not want to be the only one) I am not talking about that one ex- boy friend that slipped through your fingers way back when or that guy you dated a few times and lost contact with you now think was 'THE" one!. This situation I am going to try and explain is much more complicated and involved than either of those scenarios!.This story begins in a rather large city in the fall of my 18th year!. I crossed paths with a man, quite a few years my senior, that will remain nameless!. A man in which I was not in any way attracted to, a man I had only met twice and known for only a week!. the only thing we had in common was the fact that he needed a roommate and I needed a room in which to stay!. I don't really remember the first few days other than moving in my few boxes of belongings and meeting some of his friends,nothing much of any importance!. It turned out that he was a really interesting person and very compassionate in character!. He was different than anyone I had ever encountered and his knowledge kept my attention!. Most of this probably could be contributed to my young age and being from an entirely different culture (IE!. a nameless town in the middle of southern nowhere)!. It was the beginning of a friendship in which I will never fully understand!.
Impulsively one night as we sat on our couch watching a movie our friendship took a turn of about 270 degrees!. At this moment my life changed forever, we bonded intimately and physically!. This was totally unexpected and a little awkward after the fact!. It wasn't something we really talked about yet from that point on it was a continuous and persistent occurrence!. Neither of us were committed to other relationships, but had both recently severed ties to old relationships, so it was our secret!. I guess we were not wanting to make anyone feel bad, I really don't know!.In the beginning it was great, it was exciting,hell what am I talking about it was always exciting! There was just something about him, something I just adored but couldn't put my finger on it!. I couldn't get enough, he showed me things I had never seen, he taught me things I never knew!. I was having the time of my life,I was living in a whirlwind of fantasy and secrecy, soon to be jaded eternally but too blind to notice!.
It came to a point where I wanted more, much more than he could offer!. I didn't want to be his secret anymore, I wanted him!. I wanted his full and undivided attention, however this was something that he was not able to offer me!. I faintly remember having a conversation with him one night in his bed, he told me that he cared about me as much as he could possibly care about one person but he couldn't get into a "relationship" it was too soon, it just wasn't the right timing!. I, partially devastated, just continued with him along the same path we were sharing, hoping for something more!. Not knowing that the something more I craved would never be anything more than it was!.
This was never an exclusive relationship, don't let me lead you to think it was, there were always others on both sides alike!. This was the only way I could keep him, and I myself had to have alternate means of entertaining myself (for a lack of a better word) to advert my attention from his other private affairs!. I remember countless times being so angry and upset seeing him with other girls, it made my blood boil!. But at the time I figured, why get mad when I can get even!? However, this did nothing but prove that I was more of a whore than I thought he was!. Real even!.!.!.what a dumb *** was I!?
I was his friend and roommate, estranged and left wanting more!. I loved him yet hated him in the same breath!. I learned the meaning of the saying"there is a thin line between love and hate" and how unquestionably true the statement is!. Though love was not a word to be spoken it was on the same list with other words such as relationship and commitment!. Words that to this day that probably still send this man running for the hills!.To Be Continued!.!.!.
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