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Question: Do you like my poem!?!?!? anyway to make it better!.!.suggestions would be helpful!.!.!.10 POINTS To BEST ANSWER!!!!?
As I looked upon the girl who looked upon me,
I noticed she smiled so free!.
As I looked upon the girl who looked upon me,
I noticed her eyes streamed with a satisfied glee!.

As I looked around the girl who looked around me,
I saw she stood in a pile of money trees!.
As I looked around the girl who looked around me,
I saw she leaned against a man of a very strong degree!.

As I looked beyond the girl who looked beyond me,
I thought I saw the brilliant sea!.
As I looked beyond the girl who looked beyond me,
I thought I saw a mansion the size of a giant's marquee!.

As I looked beside the girl who looked beside me,
I glanced at the woman whose wrinkles were like a bee!.
As I looked beside the girl who looked beside me,
I glanced at that woman who held that same smile so freely!.

As I looked to the side of the girl who looked to the side of me,
I glimpsed at the man who looked like a crumpled, brown tree!.
As I looked to the side of the girl who looked to the side of me,
I glimpsed at that man who turned to stare in awe towards a floating key!.

I gazed upon this with admiration!.
I gazed upon this with frustration!.
As I took my hand up, she followed!.!.!. As I had feared, I became hollowed!.!.!.

This was no girl I realized!.
This was what I always idealized,
But this was no dream!.
This was my reality!
This was my magic stream!

This girl, her name I could not recall!.
This girl, her face had me enthralled!
But this girl was someone I knew,
This girl was my reflection!.!.!.
This girl was my perfection!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
As I looked upon the girl who looked upon me
I noticed her smile had a look so free
As I looked upon the girl who looked upon me,
I noticed her eyes streamed with satisfied glee!.

As I looked around the girl who looked around me,
I saw she amongst money growing trees
As I looked around the girl who looked around me,
I saw she leaned against a man of a very strong degree!.

As I looked beyond the girl who looked beyond me,
I thought I saw the brilliant sea!.
As I looked beyond the girl who looked beyond me,
I imagined a mansion the size of a gian't marquee!.

As I looked beside the girl who looked beside me,
I glanced at the woman whose wrinkles were like a bee!.
As I looked beside the girl who looked beside me,
Glancing at the women who held that smile, so free

As I looked to the side of the girl who looked to the side of me,
I glimpsed at the man who looked like a crumpled, brown tree!.
As I looked to the side of the girl who looked to the side of me,
I glimpsed at that man who turned to stare in awe towards a floating key!.

I gazed upon this with admiration!.
I gazed upon this with frustration!.
As I took my hand up, she followed!.!.!. As I had feared, I had now become hollowed!.!.!.

This was no girl I realized!.
This was what I had idealized,
But this was no dream!.
This was my reality!
This was my magic stream!

This girl, her name I could not recall!.
This girl, her face had me enthralled!
But this girl was someone I knew,
This girl was my reflection!.!.!.
This girl was my perfection!


nice write, as you can tell i made a few changes obviously you can totally diregard all of them, all in all!.!.

good work :DWww@QuestionHome@Com

your rhyming seems a little forced @ times not b/c of the words don't rhyme but the meter is off!. relax, let it flow!. other than that i enjoyed itWww@QuestionHome@Com

Reduce the repetition and shorten it!. Your views on mine!?

(Check out my Q&A - Did anyone enjoy this poem!?)Www@QuestionHome@Com

You have a great message and it ends very nice!. My suggestion is when poetry is written to rhyme than your message gets lost, due to sticking to the pattern!. You could also reword some of it for example your line is (I gazed upon this with admiration!. I gazed upon this with frustration) try (gazing upon with admiration only to end in frustration)!.
I’ve created a lot of poems with 15 of them being published!. Punctuation isn’t used in my poems at all, because I think it adds to the feeling of it!. By using a period in your poem I think it takes away from your message!. I don’t think there is any rule to writing poetry, but I thought I would let you know!. Hope this helps!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Generally, I like it!. I like where your thoughts flow!. However, I think it needs more passion!. It reads a little monotone!. Keeps the thoughts and replace some of the words with more power!.
For example, in the first stanza, how did you FEEL when she looked at you!? Did you simply "notice" or were you struck by her glance!? Did ahe just glance at you, or was it deeper than that!?

Your writing displays the events in a firm chronological order, which isn't a bad thing at all, but we want to empathize with your emotion!.

Go back, read it slowly and remember how your body reacted to each event and how your heart felt!. Convey that to your reader!.

Look at these lines!.!.!.
"I gazed upon this with admiration!.
I gazed upon this with frustration!."

You do not represent admiration or frustration with a mere "gaze"!. A gaze is more of a passive word indicator!.
Utilize your dictionary and read the definition of every action word that you used!. After knowing the meaning, ask yourself it it truly describes what you are trying to say!.

To admonish some of the repetitive speech, open your thesaurus and see if there is another word that better encompasses your thought!.

Good luck and keep at it!Www@QuestionHome@Com