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Position:Home>Arts & Humanities> Can someone please tell me how to improve this poem??Question: Can someone please tell me how to improve this poem??Please, I want your honest opinion. No kiss *** answers please!!! Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Ok here's a non-kiss*** answer: The cold autumn frost shields the morning sun, the world dark. Line 1: The world dark isn't needed (morning sun gives the idea of dawn already. The line without that addition works for me. Line 2 "shards of ice" seems cliche some other ____ of ice would work better. Line 3: find a less static way to introduce the news "in fascination is too telly" "as I watch" is probably also an unnecessary addition--and very static. Line 4: The seven wounded, twenty four dead works Line 5: "I hear" is redundant you've already told us you're watching the news. This line needs work. Show me what shame looks like--don't tell me you are experiencing shame. Line 6: War (Fine, as long as you fix line 6) Line 7: Drop the word "little" when you use tiny hand we know she is little. Line 8-9: Loved these two lines. This is the most poetic part of your poem. Line 10-13: These lines read well. Eliminate the hyphens between peace...saying the letters one-by-one is a less effective choice. I hope that helps. Thanks for writing. |